October 22, 2004
A UMNS Feature
By Tamie Ross

What's the best thing to do if you suspect someone you know is considering suicide?

Ask them. And then really focus on the answer, says the Rev. Jo Ann Mann, certified counselor for the Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training program and a retired U.S. Army chaplain.

"Open that dialogue with them if you suspect there's a problem," Mann said. "Just say, 'Are you thinking about suicide?' If you give them permission to tell you by asking them a direct question, most people will tell you what they're thinking."

Really listening is more difficult than asking the question, Mann said. The prospect of a loved one even considering suicide is frightening. Hearing him or her talk about the intense struggles leading to that consideration, even more so.

"But the alternative - them going through with it, you missing an opportunity to help them - is worse," Mann said. "We have to listen, to step in, and then get them to someone who can help them long term."

Conversely, the worst responses someone can have are to try and "one-up" the person in crisis, use reverse psychology or belittle the person's problems by saying they're "depressing you."

"You can't tell someone who is in an intensely dark place that their problems are nothing compared to what you've gone through," Mann said. "We all have struggles, and we all have different limits on what we can handle. Life's troubles affect each of us differently. What really takes me to the breaking point may have no effect on you."

As for reverse psychology, being offered the keys to a liquor cabinet - and the prospect of drinking oneself to death - may sound more appealing than not to a person considering suicide.

And trying to get someone to "laugh it off" or distracting him or her with an activity isn't going to stop the pain, Mann said.

"It takes time and energy and concern to help someone who's coming to you with very personal matters about life," she said. "Diverting them doesn't help at all. They need to talk, sometimes immediately. Teens are very impulsive, we see, and so we try to get them to talk immediately after a crisis and make sure we have counselors on hand so they aren't diverted or distracted."

People of faith generally don't talk to their pastors about suicide, Mann said, for fear they'll be told to pray more or questioned about why they don't believe God can help them through their problems.

She encourages "regular people" to be prepared to intervene and consider enrolling in an ASIST workshop. "Odds are, someone you know will consider suicide at some point. You need to know what to do for them, to help them get through that time, and then get them to someone else."

Sometimes being the listener will require sacrifice.

"The reality is nobody is ever in a crisis at a time when it's convenient," Mann said. "Factor that in: People are going to need help when you don't have time. But the most effective prevention is someone who cares."

Continual, ongoing concern for friends and family is one of the best forms of prevention, Mann said. Everyone can have problems bigger than they can handle, but the people around them can help with those problems, especially before the problems get big, she said.

"I think it's a common experience for us all. We each have our own limits and our own struggles that hurt more than others," she said. "We send people home sometimes with prayer promises and offer nothing more in terms of help or support (that) they can process at a time when their faith in God is struggling or absent.

"I believe in prayer, but I also believe we need to put arms and legs and ears and faces on our prayers, to be there and help each other."

Mann also believes in talking after suicide. She doesn't think children should be told half-truths about why someone died, although she advocates common sense in revealing graphic details.

She says children and teens can be told about suicide in a way that is helpful and has preventive undertones.

"You can tell them, honestly, that your neighbor Mrs. Jones killed herself," she said. "You can express true sorrow for her death and for the fact that you didn't know she was thinking of ending her life, along with your hope that you could have helped her come to a different decision about how to deal with problems. You can show regret that, sadly, some people conclude this is the only way to stop hurting, when in fact it is the ultimate hurt for everyone involved."

Helping someone make the choice to continue living requires a lot of one's own self, Mann said. But it can be beneficial for those on the other side, too.

"You realize a lot about yourself when you consider life from a different standpoint," she said. "It's natural for even those of us who are in a good place in life to get down occasionally; there are a lot of bad things going on in the world right now. But when we can make this kind of a difference for one person, that helps us to feel good about the world, too."

United Methodist News Service
Tamie Ross is a freelance journalist based in Dallas.